EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON, the last of his kind, has taken a decisive step this morning to head off the growing furore over the sub-inflation pay rise offered to NHS staff in Rishi Sunak’s fantasy budget this week.
“He’s new to the job,” the PM told reporters over a Zoom link. “You have to be patient. He is just doing what he’s told. The Chancellor before him showed a minor streak of independent thought so we had to get rid of him. But Rishi is just so happy to be involved with the big kids he’ll do anything. Including stiff the NHS after a year in which hundreds of them have died due to insufficient PPE at the start of the crisis. And arguably because of my aborted decision to be a good time guy and try and save Christmas. Did you see January’s mortality rates? Holy hell! Don’t let the press get wind of it or they’ll never shut up about it.”
But while it took the PM a while to get to the reason for his address, he did in the end address the subsistence wages he expects NHS staff to live on.
“Look, you have to keep the field competitive. How many highly trained nurses will leave the NHS to go and work for privately owned agencies supplying nurses to the NHS if we pay them properly? It’s not as simple as just giving them a pay rise that respects their sacrifices. They’ve also been given a lot of applause. People tend to forget that.”
When asked what a nurse should do if they really just can’t make ends meet, the PM showed his generous streak.
“I would invite them to come to my home,” he said. “Carrie is out of control with the redecorating expenses. There’s a lot still to do. Painting. Laying flooring. Installing new bathrooms. They can pick up some additional cash in hand work pitching in.”
You know the address.
“Also, there’s babysitting and prop dog walking. They can top up their wages in their free time, help me keep the bally refurb costs down, and feel patriotic while they’re at it. It’s an opportunity that’s too good to miss.”