MEAT AND GREET: Boris Johnson is to go on a charm offensive in Europe. To curry favour, he will raid his dressing up box, and dress up as a Big Mac. A large fries will be included as French dressing.
The 10 Downing Street costume department, which is to receive an upgrade thanks to charitable Tory donors, discussed other options. One idea that held sway for a while was to dress as a German sausage, with the tagline “Do your wurst!”. In the end, it didn’t quite cut the mustard.
So the hamburger option was preferred. But not a cheeseburger, as that would have been just too cheesy.
Mayonnaise was preferred to ketchup, which was considered a bit too saucy.
A large serving of coke was also included. Rumour suggests that Michael Gove will be accompanying the Prime fillet beef Minister on this occasion.
Johnson is expected to leave his official aeroplane in full regalia. He will wave the fries in the air, carefully remove the unwanted gherkin, and announce “Ich bin ein hamburger!” That will give Johnny European food for thought.
There will be much to get their teeth into. Bread and butter talks on regulations, mitigating the worst effects of Brexit, how not to breach an international treaty etc. will take place, while Johnson amuses himself by throwing bread rolls at everyone.
Brexit is a dog’s dinner, and Johnson knows it. Trouble is, the only way he knows to operate is to act the gooseberry fool. This is no trifling matter, and the reality is likely to be begging for crumbs off the table.
His Big Mac act will butter no parsnips. Although superficially attractive, it is insubstantial and fatty, and leaves behind a nasty taste in the mouth. And that’s even after discarding the gherkin.
Johnson is toast. He really takes the biscuit.