LET’S RATTLE THOSE POTS AND PANS! Didn’t we do well? Boris Johnson’s latest brainchild, Clap for the Country, is arousing clap-scepticism across the nation.
Everyone has a clap-related opinion. On this particular topic, most tend to agree that Johnson really is a bona fide expert for once.
“Clap for the Country? Well he would know all about that, wouldn’t he?” said vox popper Anne O’Nimity. “As far as I am concerned, he can forget about it. It won’t help anybody, and it will most likely put extra pressure on the NHS!”
O’Nimity was typical of most respondents. But other views were aired as well.
“I’m very much the I’m All Right Jack type,” observed a self-satisfied Jack Ingoff. “I sort myself out, take matters in hand, know what I mean? No clap for me.”
But there was palpable anger as well.
“I would love to clap,” countered contrarian Dev El-Sadvocate. “Clap him in chains, that is. Lock him up. Throw away the key. Make sure he doesn’t spread any more of this poison!”
Clap expert Dr Penny Cyllin was on hand to provide balance and levelling up.
“Johnson seems to have an insatiable appetite,” stated Dr Cyllin. “Clap for this, clap for that, clap for the other. Clap for everyone. The country has got clap fatigue! What’s it supposed to achieve, anyway?”
Pride. A sense of achievement. Smug guilt. A mysterious itch.
“The whole business is claptrap,” exclaimed Dr Cyllin. “It’s shameless. It’s selfish. It’s self indulgent fakery. It’s all designed to give you a momentary sense of goodwill. Once a week you get to stand up and thrash about like an idiot for a few minutes, and you spend the rest of the week with a feeling of emptiness. A course of antibiotics should clear it up. Here’s your prescription!”
And that’s the country we now live in. Completely clapped out.