SO COZY : It’s good to have friends in times of need and Nicolas Sarkozy needs friends today after a French court did a completely bizarre thing for a representative democracy and sentenced him to prison for corruption.
“We were shocked,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “What higher service to your country is there than to do whatever it takes to get things done?”
But it seems the current UK government is not about to let a fellow traveller on the low road fall without a cushion.
“Boris is going to recommend Sarkozy for a knighthood. The Queen signs off on any old rubbish these days, bless her, so there shouldn’t be a problem. While he’s over here for the ceremony he can simply vanish.”
While the sentence has been grabbing headspace the former French president is free to remain at large while he appeals. This could take years.
“He may even get a peerage. If he can get himself a bankrupt factory and churn out a few rubber gloves. He’ll certainly get wealthier anyway. He’s only worth about two million. That’s rubbish. We’re not having it.”
Downing Street is ready too for any critics who say the honour is inappropriate.
“How cheap is our honours system these days? Have you seen who Johnson has put into the Lords! Holy cow! Talk about bargain basement. I wouldn’t sweat it. Besides, it’ll be a good way to wind up Macron. We’ll tell him to force Brussels to give in on fish or Sarkozy will end up a Lord. It can’t fail. Then we will say we’ve formed a protective ring around Nicolas and it’s time to move on.”