DO NOT INJEST : THE ROYAL MAIL has weighed in today to assist Britain’s embattled personification of the Tower of Babel with a special collection of new stamps dedicated to the prime minister.
“The new stamps are in a special class of stamp created just to honour Boris Johnson,” a Royal Mail marketing whizz told LCD Views. “These are the first 10th class stamps we have ever issued. They’re pretty much useless.”
The stamps, which are smaller than the famous Penny Black, are the first blank postage stamps ever produced.
“There are rumours that the stamps aren’t blank but have the PM’s honest statements written on them in lemon or some other invisible ink. That is not the case. We have faithfully printed all of Boris Johnson’s honest statements on the stamps, as you can see for yourself.”
The reason for the creation of the special 10th class was also due to the unique nature of the man being honoured.
“His promises aren’t first class, his delivery isn’t even second class. We took inspiration from the monthly grand building project that Downing Street announces to distract from the many scandals accumulating about his cabinet. And the management of the pandemic is really not even 10th class. Unless you’re the actual virus, than I guess it’s first class.”
The stamps too will cost a pretty penny due to the rising costs of the paper they’re printed on.
“The paper for our stamps comes from France. Clearly there’s been some small inflationary pressures since Brexit got done.”
Fittingly also the stamps are not for international use and can only be used to send domestic letters and packages within England.
“You should think yourself lucky that they allow your letter to travel that far! The situation is under review. It maybe soon that you can only use them to send letters to yourself.”
The Boris Johnson stamp collection – in a class of its own, just like the man himself.