YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR DESTINATION: Boris Johnson has a technological solution to sell you. A roadmap out of lockdown? No, that’s old hat. We have satnav! Put in your postcode, and keep turning far right.
Except it’s not a postcode you punch in, it’s the date you want lockdown to end. That’s democracy in action!
The technology has been developed by a bunch of well-connected posh boys. It works almost as well as the useless covid app that was developed using the same principle, and costs much, much more. It’s a shame they didn’t ask Fatima to do the job, or even Jennifer Arcuri.
This hasn’t stopped Matt Hancock claiming the credit for it.
But this momentous moment belongs to Boris Johnson, not Hancock. The man who brought you fictional (albeit horribly expensive) tunnels and bridges now wants to drive covid out of town.
“We need to be cautiously reckless,” said a remarkably un-Boris like Johnson at the daily briefing. “Stick to the speed limit, keep your distance, which is still 2 metres by the way, wiff waff, no, sorry, I’m being serious now, mirror, signal, manoeuvre, and pull out!”
Words to inspire great confidence.
So it’s time to chuck out the sad, coffee-stained roadmap we all have somewhere, and get with the 21st century. The Lockdown Satnav will detect all the bumps in the road that mysteriously appeared after Brexit. It will lead you down all kinds of diversions while the government wants you to look the other way,
Early prototypes actually speak in Boris Johnson’s voice. “At the vaccination centre, take the second exit, no, the third exit, no, erm, yes, erm, marvellous, tempus fugit old chap, look, I need a power nap, OK?”
Eventually, though, the Lockdown Satnav will do what all satnavs do, sooner or later. It will take you home. Or, in other words, you will be right back where you started.