EXIT VIA THE GIFT SHOP : THE ROYAL MINT has released a new bank note this morning to better assist the Secretary of State for Health and Social Care doing his vital work during the pandemic.
The assistance comes in the form of a new bank note, “The Matt”, which is a one million pound note produced specifically for the purchase of PPE from friends of Matt.
“You won’t get this in your change at the off licence, don’t worry!” an aide to the friendly Health Secretary told LCD Views. “Unless you run a shop next to the home of one of Matt’s friends. Or near to where someone who once spoke kindly to Hancock at a party lives. Then I guess you may have to give change in exchange for a Matt.”
While the new banknote is not the first to be issued in the denomination, it is the first to honour a serving secretary of state.
“Matt is really chuffed. He can now pay for PPE supplies, that may or may not work, with cold hard cash. It’s much nicer. More personal than simply moving figures about on a computer screen from the taxpayers’ bank account to some guy who poured him a pint once.”
But there is some hope for ordinary Britons who worry they’ll never get to hold a Matt in their hands, especially now that he’s such a celebrity befriending him is becoming increasingly difficult.
“All is good time. Once the impact of a lethal and bungled pandemic policy and Brexit flow into the domestic economy you’ll be using Matts to pay for loaves of bread. Wheelbarrows of them.”