MATT THE APP : GREEN SHOOTS OF RECOVERY ARE ABUNDANT ACROSS ENGLAND’S PLAGUE RAVISHED LANDS TODAY WITH PLANS TO CELEBRATE THE ACHIEVEMENTS OF THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR HEALTH MATT HANCOCK.
A monument to his achievements during the pandemic is to be installed on College Green so that future generations will know the titanic struggle undertaken by Britain’s greatest ever Health Secretary.
The taxpayer can rest easy too, as the brass statue is being paid for by subscriptions from friends and acquaintances of Mr Hancock who have received PPE contracts.
“The design of the monument is causing quite a stir,” Mr Cashfunnel, head of the committee responsible for the design, told LCD Views. “It is being made entirely of brass, as is traditional for monuments to great men, but it is rather modernist in design. Maybe even post-modernist. But I’ll leave it to the art critics to decide that. My speciality is limited to taking a paper cup factory out of administration and into the production of unusable medical tests. Oh and purchasing luxury houses.”
LCD Views have seen a sneak preview of the monument and we are going to break cover and reveal it is just a very big brass neck with a pair of rubber gloves for a head.
“We will be having the unveiling ceremony during the summer, before the next lockdown,” Mr Cashfunnel advises. “A spitfire fly past will be timed to be overhead just as the apron made out of a bin bag is drawn dramatically off the statue to reveal Matt’s innermost personality.”
But unusually for a bust there will be no eyes.
“That’s because they’re the windows to the soul, and ever since Mr Hancock invoked the war dead in his quest to become Tory leader, and then threw them under the bus to be Health Secretary, it’s clear the windows gaze into an abyss.”