FORM AN ORDERLY QUEUE : The current British government is notoriously interested in the welfare of lesser nations, so known for it there are occasional murmurs of dissent from the backbenchers.
“Boris Johnson pays them no need. He was born to be world king. A benevolent autocratic ruling over a far flung and peaceful empire. And he will fulfil his destiny.”
And he has help. No less a brain of Great Britain than Liz Truss is by his side, and she is moving forward with the fulfilment of the promise of Brexit.
“Tomorrow morning Liz Truss will formally invite all Commonwealth countries to rejoin the British Empire. India is expected to be first in line with Canada and Australia jostling for second spot. All the other places no one can ever name will be in a wild scrum behind them.”
The plan to reform the Empire, based on the lines drawn on maps in the earlier part of the 20th century, is certain to be a boon for British industry.
“For far too long our colonial subjects have been denied British pork products and British cheese,” Ms Truss will say in an upbeat, but serious tone. “This is wrong. This injustice will end.”
In return for demanding our superior produce the colonies will once again be at liberty to do what they do best.
“They still offer up their sons for our imperial conflicts and give us all the minerals they possess. In return they will become civilised again. It is symbiotic in nature.”
The High Priests of Brexit will of course all be ready to help the countries come home from the wilderness.
“Hannan will be on hand to direct the children of empire where they stand in the colonial structure. Rees-mogg will supply missionaries just in case any have forgotten the wonders of transmutation and servitude to a higher tax avoidance structure. It will all be glorious.”
A spitfire fly passed is planned for midday tomorrow and a mass zoom sing-a-long of God Save the Queen at midday, which will be led by Dylin the prop dog. Get your bunting out and be ready to raise a mug of English tea.
And if you are from a distant land, just know that soon the redcoats will once again be in your towns and streets to offer you a reassuring sight of order, and the correct way to address your superiors.