THE MUMMY : Boris Johnson, the first of his name, has ordered work to begin on his final resting place, decades in advance of when he expects to need it.
The design is said to call on the architectural styles of ancient Egypt and will be built entirely of imported sandstones and marbles at an estimated cost of £350m per week for decades.
”He conceived of the design whilst completely hammered Friday night.” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Apparently he believes his new nickname in Downing Street is ‘Pharaoh’ and that triggered his imagination, and thoughts of his legacy. Although those present at the time say he misheard someone saying fuck you.”
A massive workforce is expected to be needed to build the pyramid shaped tomb which will be aligned not with the stars, but with Pharaoh Johnson’s barge arse. Unemployed fishermen and ballerinas are said to be looking forward to retraining to work on the project.
But critics have pointed out that such an egregious expense will bleed the public coffers dry for decades, leaving little left for the levelling up agenda Johnson is so proud of. Downing Street have responded to those concerns with a shrug and a handing out of uncontested tenders.
And it is clear what a boon for London the monumental work will be, at a time when the city is suffering the completely unavoidable consequences of Brexit, which no one warned about, and a lethally mismanaged, shitshow approach to the pandemic.
“There’s always naysayers and moaners,” the source shrugs. “But Johnson is not insisting his harem joins in his final resting place. So it’s hard to see what the problem is? This is because he wants to be free to screw whoever he likes in the afterlife. After he’s finished shafting the entire U.K. senseless.”