IT’S NOT LIKE IT MATTERS : DOWNING STREET is investigating many things these days. What craft glue is best to use when making model buses? Are all blondes attracted to the prime minister, or just a few? Can you beat a pandemic by refusing to eliminate the virus that is causing the pandemic?
“We’ve got our best people working on the case,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And happily the majority of the media is going along with it. And so are MPs. Who wants to eliminate CV-19 when there is so much to find out? That’s why we won’t pursue elimination as the policy even though over 120,000 people are now dead. And we still get to be the government! It’s a mad, mad world. Today we’re finding out what happened to our hotel quarantine booking website!”
And what happened to the hotel quarantine booking website is the big question of the afternoon. After it crashed. Hours after they launched it.
While some minor critics will use the crash as another example of not being able to run a piss up in a brewery, that will be entirely unfair given that Boris Johnson is the piss up artist in chief.
“The prime minister built the quarantine website personally out of old wine crates,” the source adds. “So it’s a high quality job and definitely not something just outsourced to one of Dom’s madcap mates for a fortune to harvest everyone’s data to sell on to dodgy, overseas corporate interests. We’re buggered if we know why it doesn’t work. Just another day in the office really.”
But one thing that is certain is that the list of hotels available is part of the problem.
“It’s not fair to say that Fawlty Towers shouldn’t be on the list of hotels to choose from. John Cleese was a famous supporter of Brexit and it’s right we direct business to his hotel in thanks.”
But while the hoi poli may have to stay in Torquay the members of the cabinet, their family and chums at least don’t have so far to travel.
“When the website is up and running The Ritz will still be there as the default booking for all ministers of the government. The rooms need to be big enough to accommodate their Union Jack flag poles after all. It’s a matter of national interest.”