BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR : “You’ll all be millionaires!” is the encouraging news from the new chief of the Bank of England, chosen to replace Carney, it’s presumed because of his better ideological purity, as decided by the Cardinals of the Church of Brexit.
The happy expectations will cheer many Britons who may have found lockdown relatively more expensive than the multi-millionaires running the country.
“It’s clear that everyone in the U.K. has just been hoarding wealth over the last year,” the Bank chief continued, in comments we have completely fabricated. “Just look at all the closed shops, restaurants and pubs! People not spending is to blame. Billions must be stored under the mattresses of the U.K.”
And while no one is yet suggesting the Home Office is empowered to forcibly enter homes in order to check under the mattresses, there is an expectation that people will indulge in an orgy of spending, once they’re no longer afraid of dying.
“More than ever we are going to need to rely on consumerism to pretend we still have an economy. When you take the double whammy of a free for all on the public finances to repay the investments of Tory Party donors, thank you CV-19, and the teething problems of Brexit…I mean holy cow, get out there and buy British!”
But some critics have pointed out that while there have been savings on travel for those who can work from home, there have also been costs. The entire household home 24/7 has dramatically increased grocery and utility bills, in a time of rising costs. Also the necessity of purchasing equipment to home school and entertain the children.
“Trifles. Cost wise,” our invented commentary reveals. “I mean, given that everyone in the country has been gifted a PPE contract worth billions, with no expectation to deliver any actual product, the entire country is loaded!”