CHEDDAR GORGEOUS: Everyone knows that the Moon is made of cheese. Interplanetary trade supremo Liz Truss has today announced a massive new deal to supply lumps of lunar loveliness to a nation of Wallaces and Gromits.
Crackers? Don’t forget them, lad! There are still, unbelievably, some people who insist on talking Britain down, who say that the plan is unfeasible. Nonsense, replies Truss. This is precisely what the Lunar Protocol is designed to overcome, and supplies of cheese are expected to flow into Britain in a suitably unfettered fashion.
Lunatic? Not at all. Truss has declared that transportation of the delicious delicacies will be easy. “You see that?” she said, pointing to the sky. Sure enough, the Moon hung there, casting its pale sheen across the negotiating table. “All the Moonians have to do is to drop the cheese over the edge of the Moon, and it will simply float down to Earth!”
Following the Science has always been one of Truss’s greatest strengths.
The Board of Trade issued the following press release, praising Truss for her unstinting efforts:
“Liz Truss, a gurning gargoyle with an unhealthy fetish for pork, like a slightly less perverted David Cameron. Prone to hyperbole, she paddles her inflatable dinghy weighed with Union Flags around the shallow waters of Albania, and claims victory for the price of a handshake.”
This was hurriedly withdrawn when the Board’s one literate member of staff read it and discovered that it contained fragments of truth. Nobody took responsibility for the withdrawn press release, so instead the Daily Express was asked to print a headline screaming “NOW THE EVIL EU IS INSULTING US!”
The Moon also renews itself every month. “This is scientific fact!” trilled Truss tunefully. “We can extract all the cheese we need, and there is a New Moon 28 days later! That’s Science, that is!”
The Man In The Moon declined to comment, as he was too busy pissing himself with laughter.