CARRY ON UP THE CABER : Once there was a little boy called Boris Johnson who had a little shop, but the little shop didn’t sell anything…
But that wasn’t because the little shop didn’t have anything inside it. Little Boris brought home all the living things he found and put them in the shop window, after killing them with his lies. He kept a fishing industry there. He kept services. He kept freedom of movement for plebs. He also kept a virus inside, and that was the one thing he kept very healthy and alive.
One day little Boris was out looking for abandoned fridges to hide in, his favourite game, when he found a sick looking little animal called “The United Kingdom”.
“Oh what jolly japes!” Boris shouted, clapping his hands in glee so hard his comb over fell over.
Little Boris picked up the sick looking animal and turned it over and over. He noticed it had a soft underbelly that was tartan covered. He pushed it. He prodded it. The little animal squealed. Little Boris squeezed it even harder.
“Oooooo! Oooooo!” the little animal cried.
Little Boris jumped up and down and ran home carrying the little animal to put it into his little shop window.
“What do you eat?” Little Boris asked the little animal.
“Sovereignty and a fair share of resources and the economy,” the little animal replied. “Empower all the parts of me, genuinely invest in me, enfranchise my people and never, ever lie, and we can live together happily ever after!”
Little Boris shrugged. He almost fell asleep listening to such a silly list of things. He smiled and squeezed the sick looking creature’s belly another time.
“I know. I’ll feed you haggis!” Little Boris cried. “But first I’ll have to go out and hunt it.”
And Little Boris got into his T45 tank, a gift from a Russian friend that he kept parked just outside, and drove away into the Scottish Highlands to shoot some dinner for his new found friend.