TATTERED OLD RAGS : DOWNING STREET HAVE PROVIDED MUCH NEEDED CLARIFICATION OVER THE PROPOSALS FOR HOTEL QUARANTINE IN THE U.K., after James Cleverly confused everyone this morning.
The clarification was given than no lesser a figure than the prime minister himself, after Boris Johnson found he had some spare time in his afternoon.
“I can think of no better way to spend the sudden, surprising opening in my dairy than with you good people,” Mr Johnson told reporters over Zoom. “Just think, if it hadn’t been for the abrupt cholera outbreak at the jungle gym in Croydon, I would have been down there dressed as Tarzan for a press shot, and not here with you.”
And the Croydon cholera outbreak was welcomed indeed, especially by the people of Croydon, deprived of the spectacle of Mr Johnson.
“Now, what’s on your mind folks? Alas. I only had thoughts of shouting out me Tarzan, you Jane! Anything at all. Hit me up. Arts and crafts questions especially welcome.”
But it wasn’t pointers over how to construct buses out of empty wine crates that reporters sought. It was a deeper understanding of the U.K. Gov proposals for quarantining returning travellers in hotels.
“I’m not across all of the detail, but I’ll do my best,” Mr Johnson replied. “Firstly, it’s important we give time for the friends and family of cabinet ministers to get off those tropical islands and back home to Blighty! Wouldn’t want them separated from one another unnecessarily. They may bring home gifts.”
Fair enough.
“Also, it’s important we give the coronavirus variants themselves a fair chance to get into the country, and into our communities. Evolution must be given its head! But rest assured all new mutations will be told the onus is on them to report for quarantine on the 15th February.”
World beating.
“And thirdly, but most importantly, all hotel rooms in the United Kingdom are to be fitted out with Union Jack flags on poles. This will aid people who will be doing work calls over Zoom during the quarantine period. And just in general. The days will pass, they will merge into one another, but if there’s a Union Jack flag at your back you still at least know where you are.”
The Union Jack flag, it’s everywhere these days, except on the failures of the government, on those it wouldn’t be seen dead.