BRING OUT YOUR DEAD : THE UK’S LORD HIGH UNDERTAKER, AND PART TIME PRIME MINISTER, BUT FULL TIME GRAVEDIGGER, BORIS ‘AL’ JOHNSON HAS INVITED THE PANDEMIC TO PEACE TALKS.
The aim of the talks is thought to be securing a truce with the virus that has ravaged the UK under Mr Johnson’s barely sentient leadership. It is not yet known where the proposed meeting will take place, but most suspect a quiet, country graveyard with appealing views of the surrounding mass burials. What Mr Johnson is planning to wear to the meeting isn’t yet clear, although a combination of Big Tent character and 100% unadulterated horseshit manufacturer is likely to be the pick.
Mr Johnson is further expected to leave his hair uncombed, and may even purposely muss it up for the meeting (by use of a balloon), to wow the virus with his enduring and youthful appearance.
A spokesman for the Prime Minister said that he is willing to “wrap his arms” around his enemy, and that much common ground has already been found in the lowering of the pension bill. Working together, even while appearing to be fighting one another.
“The sweetener for the truce, should it be agreed, will be the titles and baubles that Mr Johnson is prepared to offer the virus, should it agree to a ceasefire.”
Many will recall how easily the middle ranking diplomatic service non-entity Lord Frost was convinced to let the EU make a complete and utter fool of him, just by virtue of the gift by the prime minister of more unearned British privilege.
“Covid will reach an accord with lands and titles in Kent. We believe it will live well by the sea in Thanet. Or perhaps even in Essex, where it can work hand in hand with control freak, apparently reformed death penalty champion Priti Patel. They would make a famous pair, as they both excel at ending freedom of movement.”