TAKE IT ON THE CHIN: As the covid death counts tops a world beating 100,000, Crime Minister Boris Johnson has spoken to the nation. I will take personal control, he waffled, of taking full responsibility.
“I want you to know what I want you to know,” he clarified. “And what I want you to know is that I’m right behind the science, following it all the way, leading from the front. I’m right behind you, at the head of the queue, wiff waff, I say, and I want you to know that I am taking personal control of, erm, of taking full responsibility.”
There was a lot more of this, most of it comprising words flung together in a more or less random fashion, and delivered in that distinctive stuttering cod-Churchillian fashion, like a semi animated scarecrow.
“I am now fully in control of the fact, yes the fact, folks,” he claimed desperately, “that tenty hundredy hundred people, alas, have sadly passed from illness. I got that sentence from the Send ‘Em Home Secretary herself. We will, eventually, decisively, take immediate action. I take full responsibility for ramping up, doubling down, pulling in, rolling out, in, out, shake it all about, and doing the hokey cokey.”
The PM paused, since Matt Hancock’s tear generator (which he had borrowed for the day) kicked into action and drenched his face in water.
“As I said, I am taking full and personal responsibility for picking up the phone next time Marcus Rashford rings to have a go at me for delivering my party’s priorities!” he burbled in a sudden spurt of coherence. “And, rest assured, my personal photographer will be on hand to record the moment and photoshop it!”
The government was informed of the existence of covid-19 in December 2019. However, at the time the PM was too busy with his election.
Months of downplaying the risks and wittering about herd immunity followed. Then a full lockdown ruined by the Cummings affair. Next came the anti covid propaganda and highly expensive and ineffective Track & Trace. The virus laughed at us and took back control. Is the PM taking full responsibility for that?
“I’m taking full responsibility NOW!” he said, pausing dramatically. “There. Done that. The moment has passed. It’s somebody else’s fault again now.”
And he left, feebly waving a Union Jack.