BONNIE PRINCE BORIS : THE LAST PRIME MINISTER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM, BORIS JOHNSON, IS HEADING TO SCOTLAND TO ASSIST NICOLA STURGEON IN HER QUEST FOR SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE.
Even before the deep thinking membership of the Conservative and Unionist Party elected Mr Johnson as the UK’s unelected, unaccountable, incredibly thoughtful divine ruler, Mr Johnson had put in strides to create a customs border between England and Scotland.
“He’s going to launch his bid to push Scotland out of the Union at Culloden. He understands his history. He wants the correct backdrop when he begins to do his idea of speak,” a 10 Downing Street aid told LCD Views. “He’ll be garbling some Burns and will probably recite some poetry he’s written himself describing the Scottish as a verminous race. He’s hoping no one will realise he’s just recycling some of his old columns.”
The trip north is well timed too, as the government is currently pumping out “Stay At Home” messages by the truckload, seeing as all the trucks in the UK are empty of other freight. Thanks to Brexit. With any luck some of his entourage will test positive for Covid while on tour and they’ll all have to stay in Scotland for weeks. This will give them the time to bring English nationalism to the Scots in all its outward looking acceptance of difference.”
And he will be making quite the spectacle of himself.
“He’s having a special outfit tailor made for the Scottish fling. A high visibility kilt, but with Edward 1st’s heraldry instead of tartan. That will make quite the impression.”
It’s understood the Prime Minister will also toss a caber while he’s north of the border. But only if they can get a small child to stand still long enough for it to land on his head.
The tour has been codenamed “Oven Ready Haggis” and is certainly to give the SNP a boost.