A SHOT IN THE ARM: Vaccine tsar Nadhim Zahawi is planning to open a one stop shop for covid vaccinations. For the convenience of everyone, well everyone who matters, this will be handily located on Ascension Island.
For extra convenience, the ferries taking eager patients to the new centre will sail from Martin’s Haven, in deepest Pembrokeshire. Underling Tess Coexpress was sent out to explain the details of this imaginative scheme.
“I know Cornwall is closer to the South Atlantic than South Wales,” began Coexpress, fending off the obvious question. “But there is plenty of activity in the smugglers’ coves at present, and we did not wish to interfere with a little black market enterprise in the current climate.”
So why choose a location that is inconvenient even for the locals?
“It’s very isolation is key,” dissembled Coexpress. “We are only thinking of keeping everybody safe!”
Has there been much take-up for the scheme yet?
“The early signs are very encouraging,” said Coexpress. “Nobody has called us ‘a bunch of useless f@#*ing incompetent f@#*ing c&$ts’ on social media yet.”
LCD Views’ Distinct Aroma Of Rat correspondent decided to do a bit of digging. His research threw up three main points. First, Priti Patel has decreed that it will be a one-way trip for “quarantine reasons”. Secondly, the ferries have been organised by the FerryMaster himself, Chris Grayling. Finally, the trip (excluding the cost of the vaccine and VAT) will cost in the region of £25,845.
Those wealthy (and/or daft) enough to access the scheme will be formally deported by Patel, then thrown into the back of a wagon, called the Covid Express. On arrival at Martin’s Haven, many many hours and wrong turns later, the fortunate vaccinees will be taken off the wagon to wait for the ferry. It will be a long wait, since Grayling will not have booked a ferry, although he will have bought pizza for everyone. Stripped of citizenship and rights, nobody knows what will happen to the lucky winners.
But the money raised will go straight into Tory donors’ pockets.