SLIPPERY SLOPE : FOR THE STRANDED BRITISH JET SET SKI SET IT LOOKED LIKE HARD TIMES WERE AHEAD AS THE TYRANNICAL SWISS GOVERNMENT IMPOSED A TWO WEEK QUARANTINE AT THEIR RESORT. But all was not lost.
“Help was at hard for frantic British skiers during the Christmas period as many faced having to spend two weeks holed up in terrible conditions in the Swiss Alps,” our man in a snowplow reports, “but just as they were settling down to tears over fondue a hero emerged from the blizzard of Covid.”
That hero is reported to be none other than oddball, weirdo, civil service and trade smasher Dominic “Eye Test” Cummings.
“While the identity of the rescuer has been confirmed eyewitnesses report a man in a bobble hat with a serious chip on his shoulder flinging over the doors of the cosy mountain cabins and telling the comatose Brits to follow him.”
It’s unlikely that Covid-19 is mutating in the Alps so there is absolutely no chance that the hero has brought home any unexpected duty free.
“From the moment of rescue I knew we were safe,” one of the fortunate said on the condition of anonymity, “I can now wander freely around my village secure in knowing that if I have Covid-19 I did not get it here.”
But freedom won’t be quite so speedy as first Mr Cummings will perform rigorous medical checks.
“The exceptional Brits are being housed by Mr Cummings at the seat of his power, Barnard Castle, and all will be given eye tests before release to make sure they’re safe to drive whatever mutation of Covid they may have home. You don’t want an accident on a motorway when you’ve got coughing to do in Waitrose.”
There were rumours that Mr Johnson was considering sending the SAS in to rescue the unjustly imprisoned Brits from their hell hole snow prison but for the moment, they can stand down.
“No one keeps a Brit from his liberty,” said another rescued skier, “I was starting to feel incredibly hot under the collar in Switzerland. I still do, but I’m sure that’s just the excitement of being home and in the security of the world beating British Tier system.”