DON’T PANIC : THE UK IS FACING ITS WORST CRISIS SINCE ELECTING BORIS JOHNSON PRIME MINISTER, WIDELY RECOGNISED AS A DISASTER IN ITSELF, BUT NEVER FEAR, COBRA IS HERE.
Shortly before 6am this morning the contingencies committee that deals with national emergencies was convened. It was joined by the Prime Minister, who forgo sleep to finish off that fourth bottle of Chateau Margaux 1996 and see what all the fuss was about.
“We are facing an unprecedented national crisis,” chair of Cobra, Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander, opened the meeting, “it appears the French can understand English. And if we shout for days that we have a mutant strain of Covid and that’s it for Christmas, it will cause a reaction in Europe which could affect travel and trade. Total curve ball.”
The revelation that what is said in the British press can be understood across the Channel is thought to be a serious crisis, given that no patriotic Englishman bothers to learn French. Or any other inferior, foreign language these days.
“Perhaps if we talk more quietly?” Matt Hancock is believed to have whispered.
“We need to go back to talking in Ancient Greek,” the prime minister is believed to have suggested, before farting and falling asleep. Sleeping the rest of the meeting away, occasionally mentioning the names of former mistresses in his sleep.
This was the key point in the meeting and neatly displayed the PM’s genius at leadership.
“He handed us the answer and let us work it out for ourselves,” Dan later told LCD Views, “simply genius. Although whether or not our recommendation that he attempts to govern sober will be taken up is anyone’s guess. He’s still asleep.”