GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN : DOWNING STREET have confirmed today there are a few loopholes in the new Tier 4 CV-19 restrictions.
“Always read the fine print,” advised a random cabinet minister – who voted for the Withdrawal Agreement last year, before later threatening to rebel once he’d read it.
The exception is believed to have been made because of the mystical, healing powers of Barnard Castle.
“It sorted Dominic Cummings’ eyes right out,” the minster added, “and he’s such a wanker it was thought he was permanently blind! So if it can do that, there’s a good chance the powerful aura of the ruins will prevent Covid-19 transmission.”
But to be clear that there are no breaking of the rules all households planning to get together at Barnard Castle must drive themselves there in the family car.
“This is to leave the trains empty for Tory MPs breaking the rules and leaving London for Christmas. They need space around them in transit, as they’ll almost certainly have the virus.”
The Barnard Castle exception is good news for families who may have rashly believed the prime minister’s promises that Christmas would be saved, hours before he butchered it for millions.
“We don’t want all that food and drink going to waste. We need everyone good and fat to enjoy the tangible, inedible benefits of Brexit in January.”
But public health officials have suggested that the Barnard Castle exception will just add more harm to the damage done by Dominic Cummings in the summer. Before throwing up their hands and giving it up altogether because no one in Downing Street ever pays attention in time anyway to avoid disaster.