WHAT WOULD JESUS DO : JACOB REES-MOGG ISN’T TAKING THE POLITICAL POSTURING OF UNICEF LYING DOWN.
Having already admonished the UN’s do-gooders-in-chief for interfering in the right of British Christian CONservatives to starve British school children, he’s now stepping it up a gear and taking the fight to the children.
Shortly after midnight, as Rees-mogg was getting up and leaving his crypt for the day, he announced his intention to lead a children’s crusade.
“It promises to be quite uplifting,” Rees-mogg told his mirror, which was free of all reflection.
The crusade will start in Southwark in London and conclude at the nearest food bank.
“There the children in our holy procession will be allowed to see the food they can have if they work hard enough,” Mr Rees-mogg told the sprites and demons that hop around him.
After viewing the food in the bank it is believed he will lead the children in prayer, before showing them how to both count and lend money.
And that is not all, one lucky child will be selected to receive a book written in Latin which advises how to make money from distressed economies.
“It will all be over by dawn,” a familiar of Rees-mogg told LCD Views, “as he must be indoors before the first rays of sunlight begin to push through the streets of London like searching fingers of fire.”
It’s hoped the crusade will be sufficient to inspire in the destitute children the kind of energy and aspiration that will allow them to strive for a better accident of birth.
“Clearly if the children had any common sense they would already have begun chimney sweeping, toshing and praying to make their own way in the world. But Jacob is prepared to guide them, for the meek will inherit the earth. Literally the earth. The dirt. If Jacob has anything to do with it.”