A SUBSTANTIAL MEAL: Scotch eggs are for Christmas, not for life, it seems. Under new austerity no deal brexit rules, turkey and all the trimmings will this year be replaced by a Scotch egg.
Those rubbishing the news have been silenced. It’s as though their mouths have been sealed with Scotch Tape.
Red tape is bad enough, but the Scotch variety comes in a bewildering choice of tartan. This makes the etiquette of choosing the correct tape to silence anyone with Scottish ancestry an absolute nightmare.
So the bland, dry turkey is out. Instead you will get a bland, dry, pub snack. It’s ok, you say, until you realise that there are no trimmings, nothing.
“It’s enough to feed a family of six,” explained Gluttony Minister Oliver Nutherhelping. “The Rule of Six states that a single Scotch egg contains sufficient nourishment for six people for a whole day. We are following The Science,” he concluded, tucking into another portion of SAGE and onion stuffing.
But won’t there be uproar? The Great British Public want, nay, demand sprouts on their plates on this one special day. No sprouts, and there will be rioting.
“Let me scotch that rumour,” replied Nutherhelping through a mouthful of Yorkshire pudding and gravy. “Nobody actually likes sprouts. Besides, Scotch egg is perfectly substantial, even adequate.”
Potatoes? Pigs in blankets? Cranberry sauce?
“Grow your own,” said Nutherhelping, munching a large piece of steak with several onion rings. “It’s not our responsibility to feed the people. How hard can it be?”
It will be slim pickings. Even slimmer than the premise of this article.
“Obesity is putting a strain on the NHS,” remarked Nutherhelping, now working his way through a whole Christmas pudding covered with cream, custard, and brandy butter. “No, I don’t think I’ll have the waffer thin mint, thank you very much!”
The only remaining difficulty is, will an independent Scotland let us have their eggs? Wait and see what sort of deal Boris Johnson can do.