TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A MEATY MAT : GREAT NEWS for patriotic publican Tim Martin today with the confirmation by government that his beer mats count as a substantial meal if “consumed as a main”.
“It follows on from their use for years now as a clear and precise source of public information about Brexit,” a Department of Health aide told LCD Views, “when you hold one there is so much to chew over. The only real issue is whether they’re better with red or brown sauce? Or perhaps an English aioli? I mean, a bucket of sawdust for throwing on the floor when you vomit them back up.”
To capitalise on the regulatory win it’s understood that Mr Martin is in his lab personally cooking up a range of new flavours.
“Christmas themes will likely feature heavily. Turkey mostly, the voting variety. Brussels sprouts – well, English shoots, there the ones with a picture of a pistol and a foot on them. And sovereignty flavour. Eat as many of those as you can stuff in. And if you have trouble swallowing one of those Mr Martin will personally come to your table in full hazmat and force it down you like a foi gras goose.”
Of course it’s not just the mats you can order as a main.
“We don’t have any scotch eggs. We’re letting the gastropubs, and their imitators deal in them. But you will be able to order urinal cakes. Any square of any carpet in any of our establishments as a main. But maybe it’ll be better to save those to enjoy like a cheese and cracker board after the beer mat and urinal cake. If you get one of the carpet squares near a corner table they taste just like cheddar.”