INDIGESTIBLE WORD SALADS : WITH LOCKDOWN 2.0 ENDING TODAY THE GREAT BRITISH PUBLIC IS UNDERSTANDABLY CONCERNED TO UNDERSTAND THE NEW TIER SYSTEM WHICH FOLLOWS.
“Clearly the most important aspect is to keep Tim Martin happy, not what the public understands. Actually the less they understand the better,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “which is why the major feature is how to get people back into a Wetherspoons, and non-branded pubs, so they survive long enough to be bought out of administration and converted to Wetherspoons next year.”
To this end you will be allowed to drink in pubs again from tomorrow, but only if you do so with a standard Wetherspoons accompaniment of a food like substance.
But for those worried about piling on even more pounds on top of the lockdown weight, there’s a calorific exception.
“Knowledge is the food of the soul, so you don’t necessarily have to have a couple of scotch eggs with your pint of warm bitter, no matter what Michael Gove says.”
Apparently the other option is something you can bring along yourself.
“You can speak a Boris Johnson metaphor instead of order food,” the aide confirms, “and if you can’t recall any because you’ve repressed the knowledge out of self preservation, you can use an app to produce one on the spot.”
The app is being developed by a sub-contractor, sub-contracted by a sub-sub-contractor, who is sub-contracted to a company set up last week with £5 in it.
“The app will be really easy to use. You simply select the historical period of your choosing for Mr Johnson to misunderstand, choose which classical language you want mixed in and then whether or not you want your first pet’s name or your favourite type of Farrow and Ball paint added to the mix. The app will provide a bespoke Johnson word salad on the spot.”
It will be no use to anyone in terms of clarifying the challenges we face as a nation, but at least it’ll allow you to stay and get pissed.