WHEN ONLY THE BIGGEST PRICK WILL DO : MATT HANCOCK IS TO TAKE TO THE PODIUM LATER TODAY TO ANNOUNCE A WORLD BEATING BRITISH FIRST IN THE FIGHT AGAINST COVID-19.
However, the latest twist in the Covid-19 tale in the UK, the looming vaccine, is certain to cause some concerns in certain demographics.
“The vaccine uptake maybe especially low in groups like ‘Friends of serving Tory ministers’,” an aide to the Health Secretary told LCD Views, “it’s easy to imagine many in a group like that discouraging vaccine uptake out of concerns it will stop raining money daily in exchange for dodgy, or often on-existent PPE. Well, presumably they’ll pay for the vaccine privately the moment it is administered. But saying one thing and doing another is a modern Conservative trait. So…”
So moves are being taken to encourage the public to get pricked.
“To this end we are enlisting celebrities to help us convince the British public that not dying alone in isolation in intensive care after weeks spent struggling to breathe is actually a good thing.”
But what celebrities will feature?
“The winners of the business world are likely to have the greatest cut through, especially with aspiring owners of major department stores. So we’ve enlisted Philip Green. When he’s not on his yacht in Monaco that is.”
The world (and pension fund) beating billionaire will be part of the initial launch of the campaign.
“Top Shot is the favoured handle of the persuasive campaign,” the aide suggests, “And Mr Green will go around the country being a complete prick, just like the needles that will distribute the vaccine.”
Will he have any special training to do this?
“Clearly that’s not needed. Just look at his business career. Being a big prick comes naturally.”