BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR WE’LL ALL BE MILLIONAIRES : HEALTH SUPREMO MATT HANCOCK HAS BEEN A BUSY BOY DURING 2020, WHAT WITH COVID-19 OPENING UP ALL SORTS OF OPPORTUNITIES TO SHINE.
But no where has he excelled more, some may say, than in the awarding without tender of PPE contracts.
And as 2020 draws to a close with a Covid Christmas waiting in late December, it seems likely PPE demand will continue to ebb and flow, but mostly flow.
The people receiving contracts are clearly all upstanding professionals with longstanding involvement in the health and social care sector.
And the latest round of PPE awards show that it’s getting increasingly difficult for cabinet ministers to hand out contracts.
“We’ve been having special memory and recall training with experts at retrieving early life memories,” a spokesman for Matt “those men who died on those beaches” Hancock told LCD Views.
“After the guy that sold Matt a beer once got a contract worth hundreds of millions of pounds, he was starting to draw blanks and his Whatsapp wasn’t offering up any new answers to the troubling question of who to award a contract to next.”
That’s where the memory training came in.
“Matt followed the training. He sat smeared in butter in the middle of a field of clover, folded his hands into his lap, closed his eyes and began to hum. He held an image in his mind palace of PPE supplies and a question mark. It wasn’t long before Roger Fettle-Fitz Bottom Pile-on Spots Fester came to mind. Although not Roger the burly manufacturer of plastic ring pulls of today, but little Roger who Matt once shared a packet of crisps with.”
We haven’t been able to talk directly to Mr Fettle-Fitz Bottom Pile-on Spots Fester for comment. This is difficult as he’s invented, as is this entire article. But we have smeared ourselves in butter, sat in a field of clover, and held our hands in the shape of a telescope to see the future.
And there is Roger now, busily phoning estate agents to sell his 1930’s semi-detached in Winslow and exchange it for a 17th century Georgian Manor House, with attached stables, in deepest Herts.
“People don’t realise that the kindnesses they show in childhood can come back to reward them much later in life,” the aide added, “it’s incredibly Dickensian. In fact, so is the entire Boris Johnson government.”