APPLAUSE IS INFECTIOUS : News today that twenty nine million patriotic pounds are to be spaffed up the wall to celebrate Brexit. Good news for patriots!
“It makes a clear case for why Mr Johnson had to be shamed by a footballer into feeding poor children, not once, but twice this year,” our Downing Street source comments, “and why we need to bring back car parking charges for NHS.”
The Festival itself will feature a range of celebrations as Britain resumes its rightful place as head of international trade, now it’s been freed of the shackles of the EU.
“We are resuming our natural leadership role on Planet Earth,” the source adds, “we can more easily lead by not trading with the largest trading bloc on Earth, a few miles away, while pursuing new and ambitious, environmentally sensitive trading arrangements with smaller regions as far away as possible.”
The most prominent spectacles of the Festival of Brexit will focus on its achievements.
“There will be a potato deified by Nigel Farage and a fish divided by John Redwood with a potato masher. Also Anne Widdecombe will do a stirring rendition of Elgar’s entire back catalogue on a kazoo.”
But the biggest moment of the “immersive experience, like falling headfirst into a septic tank” has to be reserved for Brexit UK’s commander in chief, Boris Johnson. He will feature daily in a range of uniforms representing each profession and/or vocation that Brexit will impact. And new metaphors are also promised on the hour, invented by Boris himself (or half remembered from the classics).
“Undoubtedly the greatest moment will be when Boris takes the stage daily, dressed as Montezuma, accompanied by his carer Carrie (pencilled in currently to be styled after Boudicca) and claps for the NHS. It will be quite the sight. And such prominence will do more for the morale of NHS workers than a pay rise ever could. And at the end of the clapping there will be a firework set off and a wheel of cheddar rolled into ten pins painted to represent all the Covids. It will be world beating.”