FIRE ALL TUBES : MODERN DAY SCULLEN SKINK, BORIS “AL TO DONORS” JOHNSON, HAS ANNOUNCED A PLAN TO SECURE ALL FISH IN THE SEA FOR BRITAIN.
The people’s prime minister made the announcement today over Zoom, while cosplaying as Captain Birdseye.
“I have nothing to promise you but fish today and fish tomorrow,” the PM began, before pausing to take off his hat, ruffle his hair, perv at some adult websites, feverishly text a violist, and finally return to the slippery issue at hand.
“I have today instructed our WORLD BEATING maritime and naval scientists to begin work IMMEDIATELY on a BRITISH FISH TORPEDO. A munition so powerful that when it explodes in any school of fish they will INSTANTLY become BRITISH.”
What the French and Norwegians will think of this the Prime Minister didn’t allude to specifically, but it’s certain to “have our foreign FISHY FOES discombobulated as schools of FRENCH FLOUNDER explode in an underwater detonation of SOVEREIGNTY.”
It’s expected that the schools of fish will “most obviously home then to the land of their birth and await like WELL TRAINED DOGFISH to be SCOOPED UP IN BRITISH FISHING NETS”.
But critics have pointed out that the plan for the British Fish Torpedo has one startling flaw.
“It will blow them up,” a fisherman said, “which is at least in keeping with what Brexit threatens for our entire industry.”
But gloomsayer’s concerns aside, the plan will go ahead like all of Boris Johnson’s big ideas and is expected to explode in our faces upon completion.