FEED THE WORLD: Let them know it’s definitely not Christmas time. Crime Minister Boris Johnson has defended the decision to vote against extending the free school meals system over the school holidays. Yes, giving them meal vouchers may be one way to feed them, but there are better ways to tackle the problem.
Johnson announced a whole raft of excuses to explain why the simple expedient of subsidising children’s meals, in the same way that the House of Commons subsidises MPs’ meals, is a bad idea.
“There is no need to go down the socialistic route.” waffled Johnson tetchily, tucking into his pheasant and caviar pie, while downing the dregs of a £750 bottle of red wine. “The state of it, I mean, the state of Florida, I mean the state does not own poor children, I must state that, we hived them off years ago, wiff waff.”
Michael Gove tottered by, looking a little worse for wear. “This is for later, know what I mean,” he said, passing Johnson a small packet, and tapping his nose in a meaningful way.
“Ah yes, of course,” spluttered Johnson. “Food is addictive, we can’t encourage children to get hooked on apples and sandwiches now, can we? Cheers, Mikey, it’s about time for my pick-me-up!”
“Oh, you’re talking about this food voucher nonsense?” Gove chipped in. “What are food banks and charities for, may I ask? These valuable institutions exist for a reason, and far be it for us to seek to undermine them!”
“And the little tykes who clean out my chimneys won’t be able to get up there to do their job,” agreed Johnson, taking another mighty slice of the pie. “They must be fit and lean, and their families need the extra income!”
It would be deeply unjust to suggest that, if the government fed children directly, there is no way that Serco could make an obscene profit from the affair.