PLEASE SIR CAN I HAVE SOME MORE UNTENDERED CONTRACTS : England’s hungry children are set to experience happier days shortly as Downing Street moves to end the furore over Downing Street’s decision to not feed England’s hungry children.
“We have set up a special school dinner programme that will take the matter out of the inefficient hands of state schools that have too often failed to feed children,” the prime minister is expected to tell a press conference later today.
“Working with our private partners we will deliver food like substances to hungry children up and down England. Most days. Some weeks.”
The new delivery service will be run by everyone’s favourite corporate giant, Serco.
“Serco’s experts will consult and deliver meals direct to open mouthed slum children, via a complex array of sub-contractors. This solves the problem of parents swapping chicken nuggets for bags of crack cocaine.”
The service will have an initial budget of several billion, but the budget is open ended.
“The long term fiscal advantages of employing the private sector will be obvious immediately. Especially to the private sector.”
It is believed the consultants employed by Serco School Dinners will initially advise that better menus are produced to entice starving children to the dining table.
“It’s clear that one of the big problems is not a lack of food, it’s kept in warehouses often very close to entire slums. No it’s in the story told to children about that food. Chicken nuggets and chips doesn’t sound especially appetising. Such a tired old story. But if the meal is recast as something like ‘a selection of choice petit poulet fleisch with invigorated solanaceae selections, embellished with a free flowing tomato relish’, why children will believe they’re dining at the subsidised House of Commons and rush to the trough.”
Importantly too there will be no penalty clauses in the contract.
“If children don’t eat it’s their fault for being fussy,” the prime minister will conclude, “there’s twigs, leaves and slogans to be found all around the country. And once Serco School Dinners is up and running the bank accounts of the consultants will be overflowing with fiscal nutrience. And with £7K being paid per meal served to each child to each consultant, no child will go hungry ever again. This is what we mean by levelling up the country.”