AIRFARCE ONE : The people’s prime minister, Boris Johnson, has decided to lift the spirits of the nation’s children, after a week that can best be described as dispiriting.
“His aeroplane, recently repainted with the Union Jack at vast expense, is to undergo another paint job,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but this time the plane will be painted with food icons.”
The food, which will be exclusively dishes favoured by hungry children, will be painted with a cartoon flair to “encapsulate the PM’s innate sense of play”.
“When the hungry mites see his plane flying overhead they’ll now see great big dishes of spaghetti, burgers and fries, fish and chips and so on, painted on the undercarriage.”
But because of the PM’s concern that children should lose weight, there will also be healthy eating options painted under the wings.
“Clearly starving children is one way to tackle the epidemic of child obesity,” the source continues, “but education is also important. So images of raw broccoli, capsicum and cucumber sticks will also be displayed.”
It’s felt that seeing the food flying over their heads will also be aspirational.
“Just think, if you leave school early you can get a job and maybe one day afford a meal?” the source enthuses, “and this will make social distancing in schools easier. Especially as the jobs available will be digi economy, app based, isolated and keep kids moving so swiftly that Covid-19 can’t catch up to them.”
Plans to regulate the bartering for hard drugs with food are also being considered.
“Children should know how much crack they’ll get in their slum when they go to exchange a tin of beans for a fix. We want to ensure the prices are fixed so that everyone can get involved on a level playing field.”
Critics have attacked this additional move, calling it medalling in the free market for hard drugs and ready meals, but it’s believed the PM will push on regardless after Michael Gove personally championed the initiative.