THE MASK OF ZERO : THE UK’S FAVOURITE GRANDFATHER, DAD AND ALL ROUND PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE, STANLEY JOHNSON, HAS TODAY BEEN FITTED WITH A GPS ANKLE BRACELET.
The decision to apply digital shackles to the PM’s dad was taken as he has become a daily spectacle thumbing his unfettered nose at CV-19 regulations.
But in a twist to the story the police deny being involved and it is as yet unclear who wrestled the old scoundrel to the ground, tagged and bagged him.
“The Met have been instructed to pursue an inquiry at haste to find the culprits,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “Stanley has been doing excellent service in our unacknowledged quest to pursue herd immunity in England from Covid-19, without a vaccine, by making a total travesty of laws that could see commoners fined £10K.”
Deepening the mystery is the appearance on app stores of a new app called “Where’s Stanley Johnson?”, which updates users constantly regarding Mr Johnson senior’s location. Be he in London or Greece.
But users of the app have complained it is so busy, the alerts so frequent, that the app is draining their battery with constant notifications and warnings, particularly centred on use of public transport.
“If we can’t find the vigilantes behind the app and the bracelet there’s a danger in a resurgence of working from home,” the Downing Street source fretted, “which will do our donor’s no favours at all. But people just do not want to get on public transport knowing that a Johnson may appear at any moment unmasked.”
Asked whether the police had considered actually fining the serial offender, to display the seriousness of the government’s intent in tackling Covid-19, the Downing Street source just laughed.