THE SPECIAL ONE : THE UNITED KINGDOM’S primed minister, Boris Johnson, has held a special news conference to bat away tricky googlies aimed at his time at the wicket during Covid-19.
“I’m having a great innings,” Mr Johnson told a pained reporter, “just the greatest innings. If you look at the time served by other prime ministers no one has been a better ally to a crisis than me.”
Something with which everyone can easily agree.
“It’s the fake news media that is to blame for the confusion regarding CV-19 laws and regulations,” he continued, “although some of it is only advisory. You have to use your common sense. You were born with common sense, weren’t you? I know I was. I have the commonest common sense of anybody. Ask anyone and they’ll tell you. That Boris, he has common common sense.”
He’s really clearing it up for everyone.
“I blame the so called journalists. Dom texts Matt the new rules just before midnight each day and Matt tweets them or writes an article behind a paywall to let everyone know. Ignorance is no defence of the law, unless you’re my dad or me.”
Fair enough. With great privilege comes great privilege. Everyone accepts that.
“You can be fined up to ten thousand pounds now if you fall foul of the constantly changing laws. We have to do this. The virus is a slippery enemy. We have to keep it off balance or it could strike anytime. This is why we have replaced policing by consent with confusion by consent. It’s an excellent strategy.”
But when pressed on the finer details of the laws, as applied to one particular street in Hull, while the road running parallel is now governed by different regulations, the PM was adamant.
“No one I know is going to be charged and fined. Why would they go to Hull? Cripes!” the PM concluded, “so why the hell would I bother myself in knowing the details of the constantly shifting CV-19 laws?”