HOW MANY NATION TORIES : FOREIGN SECRETARY DOMINIC RAAB IS wrestling today with a Kentish dilemma.
It appears the sudden imposition of a border between Kent and the rest of the UK has baffled a man not exactly famous for reading maps.
“Poor little Dom has only just worked out that Dover and Calais are on either sides of a strip of water, but not in the manner of Buda and Pest, but in the sense of completely different countries and there’s no bridge,” an aide to the embattled Foreign Secretary told LCD Views. “But somehow trucks magically move between the two places. Mind blown!”
To now be faced with a Kent border seems to be too much to compute.
“Brexit is all about taking back control of our borders,” the aide continued, “in Northern Ireland, Gibraltar and now Kent. You would think Raab would be pleased, as he now gets to be even more international in his job, and he doesn’t even have to leave home.”
But it seems to buy time while he works through the conundrum Mr Raab has imposed a travel ban to and from Kent.
“It’s a standard play for vacuous populists and it should work with Kent. It also gives the truckers valuable practice at being stuck for days at fictional lines on maps, dogging and deciding which are the best located temporary toilets.”
Once Mr Raab works out that the border in Kent is a natural result of Brexit, a project he has championed for years while simultaneously doing zero preparation for, the travel restriction will be lifted.
“Don’t be silly. Kent now belongs effectively to France as Raab will never work out that it’s the result of his pet political project, and the non-existent interaction with Brexiters with reality, that established the border. Which at least solves the mystery of Dover-Calais. And besides, before he solves the Kent border problem he’s got to work out why he’s called the Foreign Secretary when he’s not foreign at all?”