COUNTRY BEATING : Downing Street has moved today to “streamline, augment and foment” the world beating achievements of the Cummings’ government by the establishment of a shiny new ministry.
“The Ministry for Ministerial Competence will ramp up the gold standard delivery of service to our customers and clients,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and with an initial budget of £12bn it can only go in one direction.”
The Ministry’s chief duties will be to visit all serving cabinet ministers and pat them on the back. With Wednesday set aside to focus on PMQs and choral singing of validation for Boris Johnson on College Green.
“There’s too much gloomsaying and doom peddling about the achievements of ministers,” the source adds, “we aim to contradict that by having junior ministers from the new MMC go around daily and tell Priti Patel that tough love is justice. Braverman that the law is an arse. Raab that maps are for girly squats, and so on. This will ensure that the British people keep getting exactly what they voted for.”
And to help the work of the ministry there will be a new award established for political service.
“The Dido Harding Award for Public Service will be awarded annually. I have it on the sly that Coronavirus is tipped to win the award for 2020. But in consideration that Chris Grayling will be running the new Ministry, it can only be a matter of time until he awards it to himself.”
Other awards will also be handed out by the Ministry for Ministerial Competence.
“The Reward for Failure will be a prize trophy,” the source finishes, “although it’s probably going to have to be shared by the whole lot of them.”