DON’T PANIC : THE GOVERNMENT HAS MOVED TODAY TO ASSUAGE CONCERNS that schools may become superspreaders of Covid-19.
“Clearly nonsense,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it just can’t happen. Every student and staff member at Eton was given a Covid-19 test on return, and the infected isolated. So it’s clear the important schools are now perfectly Covid secure.”
And while knowing that tomorrow’s leaders of England are at much less risk from catching Covid-19, and taking it home, has reassured many, there’s still some lingering doubts.
“Look children at boarding school aren’t going to take CV-19 home, are they? It’s blindingly obvious. Also the class sizes are much smaller and there’s plenty of outdoor space to utilise. This is really much ado about nothing.”
But what about state schools?
“What about them?”
Isn’t there a risk with colder weather soon here and class sizes of thirty or more that state schools will spread Covid-19 like wildfire?
“Well you can’t expect us to turn into a nanny state, except for Jacob of course, and shoulder the burden of balancing out the poor accident of birth that so many choose. We have a job of government to do. We’re getting Brexit done. And besides, we said schools are Covid secure, so they are. If you just believe hard enough anything is possible.”
What do you say to worried parents who have seen their children home with colds minutes after schools reopened? Unable to get a Covid-19 test. Watching anxiously to see if the child becomes feverish? Clearly if the common cold can spread then Covid-19 can too?
“Those parents should have spent less money on lattes when they were young and had the resources to send their children to Eton. It’s not our fault. Who do you think we are? The government?”