DO AS YOU’RE TOLD EVEN IF YOU’RE A VIRUS : DOWNING STREET has moved to talk directly to Covid-19 today, after pretending it didn’t exist anymore stopped working.
“This is a direct message for Covid-19,” a source at Downing Street told a pliant reporter, “you are to stop staying out all hours drinking and get home at a respectable hour.”
The respectable hour chosen is 10pm.
“Or just after 10pm. As it will take you a few minutes to walk home on your new host if you’ve been at your local. Clearly the journey could be longer if involving public transport or a taxi. Probably best not to use a bike as you’ll be drunk.”
The new curfew being imposed on Covid-19 is believed to be because it simply can’t infect that many drunks before 10pm.
“We’re following the science Covid,” the spokesman added, “just like Tim Martin has demanded we do.”
But whether or not the change to last orders will lead to less last rites in England isn’t yet clear.
“That’s not really the point,” our infectious disease analyst comments, “the aim is to appear to be doing something, while not really doing anything. Policy is designed after consultation with party donors. It is then pushed through a mental sieve of infectious disease expert’s advice. What comes out the other side would make a very nice sausage.”
Clearly the population will be reassured by the new measures though and act accordingly.
“It makes a lot of sense. You wouldn’t set 10pm as closing time if people could get infected in the increasingly inebriated hours before it. It’s not a case of a government that actually doesn’t care who lives or dies, but feels it needs to appear busy.”
The earlier closing time will benefit children too.
“Yes. By demanding that parents get out of the boozer by 10pm many will make it home in time to give their children a big, sloppy Covid-19 kiss goodnight.”
World beating.