A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME : Hardworking shepherd of public health Matt Hancock has announced today he has changed his name by deed poll to Matt Spatchcock.
The change to a new chicken themed surname is said by aides working closely with Spatchcock to have been “the right step at the right time” and to be “following the science of surnames”.
“This is no joking matter,” one of the aides told LCD Views, “people making bawdy jokes about Spatchcock’s surname, even within cabinet, is really testing for Matt.”
While it’s believed Spatchcock has the capacity to hear upwards of 200,000 jokes a day on a cock theme, he felt being tested with masturbation themed jokes tipped him over the edge.
“It’s wave after wave of puns that has lead Matt to hit the joke circuit breaker.”
But who has profited from the change to Spatchcock?
“A well known chain of piri piri chicken restaurants are believed to have been paid for consultation on theme.”
Matt’s predecessor in the role of slowly privatising the NHS, Jeremy Hunt, is believed to have approved of Matt changing his name legally, as Mr Hunt’s name was unofficially and permanently changed by the general public.
“This way Spatchcock keeps control of the issue,” the aide added, “and most importantly it will stop anyone joking about his name now, which is what those men that died on the beaches would have wanted. And Spatchcock doesn’t do anything without consideration of them. Not even support the illegal prorogation of parliament.”