STEADY AS SHE GOES : THE SEAS MAYBE A LITTLE CHOPPY around MIGHTY Britain currently, but that’s just the expected seasonal change as autumn comes in.
“No one should get the impression that it’s a complete shambles,” an aide to Health Wizard Matt Hancock told LCD Views, “Matt is working his little socks off day and night to honour those men who died on the beaches. You remember them? Matt invoked them in his quest to be Tory Party leader, before throwing them under the bus to get a job with Boris. People of known quantity are leading the country in its current darkest hour.”
But it’s not going to get very dark, not even if you need a Covid-19 test.
“Some people appear to be alarmed by reports that Richard E. Grant got a Covid-19 test at an airport in Italy, just like that. I agree. It’s incredibly alarming the way some states in the EU squander public resources! You can rest assured that your government has fiscal responsibility at the heart of its response to the Covid-19 crisis.”
And it’s this famous Tory ability to shepherd the public finances that is behind the latest wheeze from the spunking power bunkers of 10 Downing Street and the Department of Health?
“Yes! We have now launched Operation One Test. This will revolutionise demand for Covid-19 tests in the United Kingdom.”
But how does it work? What’s the masterplan?
“It’s simple. We just keep flinging bag loads of cash out of the back door to our mates while Covid-19 spreads. Once the entire country is infected we will only need One Test to diagnose everybody!”