THE VENOMOUS VIGILANTE: Or the Banksy of Brexit. Slimy shit stirrer Nigel Farage has had his collar felt after defacing an ancient monument.
Farage was taking a break from harassing weary asylum seekers arriving near Dover. Instead he paid a visit to the heart of the Garden of England, where vast lorry parks are being constructed.
But the paving of Paradise had to be halted temporarily. Woke activist lefty snowflake archaeologists discovered an ancient Saxon wall in the way. This, they believe, was originally constructed to prevent people fleeing from the ruins of the Roman Empire.
Engraved upon this wall was the following legend, written in genuine Anglo-Saxon. “Faecke offeth, wir sind fölle!” Farage rendered this into modern English in six foot high letters using red paint: “Bog off, we’re full!”
Police arrested Farage at the scene of the crime, for defacing an ancient monument, causing a beach of the peace, and failing to wear a face mask.
The ancient site has created a stir of interest. Royal grave hunters have been all over it like a rash, because it is now traditional to build a car park over the burial place of a King of England.
Farage himself was incandescent with rage. “This is a disgrace!” he foghorned. “Land of Hope and Glory? Political correctness and whingeing liberals are ruining the country! Rule Britannia!” The police slapped an oversized mask over his face and dragged him away.
Farage refused to do community service. This is because he argued the community service was what he was doing when he was arrested. So they threw him in a cell for the night and let him bellow himself to sleep.
Maybe they should have left the mask on. Or the muzzle. Or the face nappy, given the amount of sh*t that comes out of his mouth.