CARRY ON COUGHING : It’s not just health and social care workers who are paying the price of Downing Street’s mismanagement of the Covid-19 pandemic.
“No one is stopping to think about the commercial landlords,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “some of the balance sheet forecasts are so horrifying some landlords risking having to get a real job. Oh the humanity!”
To assist the landlords Downing Street is expected to call for a national ‘Clap for Commercial Landlords’, and anyone else who grows rich from property.
But while the national admiration and respect will almost certainly be welcome, if not justified, some landlords are said to be ready to bang down Downing Street’s door and demand more concrete action.
“People have to be forced back into office spaces Covid-19 or not,” a representative of an inheritance millionaire told LCD Views, “my family hasn’t worked since the Norman invasion of 1066. We don’t intend to start now, not so long as we can collect ever expanding, inflation busting rents. What good are claps? Have you seen any nurses banking claps? Keep your filthy hands as far apart as you like. If Johnson wants more donations he’ll have the army forcing in doors.”
It can only be hoped that Mr Johnson’s reply to the worried landlords, afraid that the free market may not save their balance sheets, won’t be “Fuck Commercial Landlords”, his standard response to pretty much everyone else negatively affected by his decisions.
As to who will lead the clap from the doors of Downing Street?
“Well it won’t be Carrie out with Boris, clearly, she’s allegedly fulfilled the terms of her alleged contract for another quarter,” the source advises, unreliably, “so it will have to be Robert Jenrick holding one hand and Richard Desmond holding the other.”
Perhaps they can put out a set of swings?