AN ALGORITHM DOES NOT A PRIME MINISTER MAKE : Speculation is rife in the socially distanced Westminster bubble this evening that Boris Johnson did not personally write his address to students.
“It was a little preemptive to talk about the A Level grading fiasco if you ask me,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “good thing he’s steered clear of the BTec palava. People would accuse him of an obsessive attention to detail as bad as old May’s.”
But whether or not getting involved in what was undoubtedly a traumatic experience for masses of families now, days after it’s been solved, is too soon will be for history to decide. The content of the speech is now the focus.
“Well, until we can convince the great British patriotic public that Remoaners are trying to ban scones,” the source informs, “or was it outlaw leg before in cricket on health and safety grounds? We’re still focus group testing to see which will raise the most confected outrage.”
The speech itself, clearly too soon, used phrasing that some suggest is not the prime minister’s and may have been written by someone else. Perhaps, dare someone say it, a puppet master.
“It’s the pissed as a fart? Isn’t it?” the source wondered, “and not describing drunkenness with a raft of barely understood and misapplied classical allusions? Well it’s just Boris (Al to his friends) using his famous common touch. Talking to the man, and school leavers, in terms they can understand. Hardly something to make a fuss about.”
But we will make a fuss about it or otherwise we may have to report on the fudging of statistics to do with Covid-19 deaths, the seemingly illegal handling of U.K. voters’ data and the fact that it’s bloody clear Boris Johnson never took a Scottish holiday.”
“No. Don’t do that. It will affect your social score once we’ve finished running your anonymised personal data through our algorithm. You don’t want that. Let’s just all agree that it’s not Boris Johnson’s fault, any of it, as he’s been drunk and on holiday since he moved into Number 10. Which is exactly how I want the prime minister to be.”