ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE: Pandemic Positivity is the latest version of government policy, replacing Protect the NHS. The Department of Health and Social Care is appealing to British Groundless Optimism.
Matt Hancock, the government pawn in nominal charge of the Department, made the announcement with the breezy nonchalance he employs when lying.
“Public Health England has failed, because Covid is still a thing,” he said cheerfully. “I was visiting one of our remaining hospitals just the other day and asked some of the patients how they were. And every single one said, Mustn’t Grumble. Their relentless optimism in the face of certain death gave me an idea, so I am creating a brand new, world beating, health quango. I’m calling it Public Mustn’t Grumble England.”
Full details of the scheme were released in a few tweets minutes before the new body came into being. PMGE will not be responsible for communicating with SAGE, acquiring PPE, or disseminating health advice. Instead it will be solely concerned with keeping the Blitz Spirit going.
In fact, a three point plan has been developed, by a single Tufton Street wonk straining every sinew for at least five minutes (allegedly). This fits neatly onto the back of a standard A4 envelope, and reads: 1. Keep calm and carry on. 2. We survived The War, we can survive this. 3. Vera Lynn.
We wondered who would be communicating with SAGE, acquiring PPE, and disseminating health advice. Hancock looked shifty for a moment, then smiled slowly. “Where’s your Pandemic Positivity gone?” he asked. “Why so defeatist? Come on, Brian! Don’t grumble, give a whistle! Sing along, now! We’ll meet again… I SAID, SING ALONG NOW! We’ll meet again, don’t know where, don’t know when…”
It’s like the band playing on as the Titanic sank. But hey, mustn’t grumble. Just remember that the last laugh is on you.