BIRTH BEATING : Downing Street is celebrating today, as it does every day, as it records another A* for incompetence.
“Can you imagine if we didn’t grade students like we do the cabinet?” a Downing Street source said to LCD Views, “the last measure we can use is inherent competence or dedication to hard work! That would not be reflective of government.”
So it seems the geniuses currently running the U.K. used their famous British common sense and settled on a different method to decide the immediate fate of school leavers.
“This year, because of Covid, everything is up in the air. It’s complete chaos. It’s the perfect year to reinvent the wheel. Why not experiment on school leavers? It’s not like they have anything to lose. We’ve taken away most of their future possibilities with Brexit. The algorithm was designed to take care of the rest of it.”
And take care of things the algorithm has. It really is a measure of the genius that is Dominic Cummings and chums. If the success is allowed to stand it will also ensure there is no more need to import low skilled workers.
“It’s pretty obvious that grading students by their achievements wouldn’t mirror reality. Look at the cabinet. Do you think any of them got there through talent? How would grading all students based on their actual effort and brains reflect the way the U.K. is governed? It would be a bloody disaster. The swear word progressive wouldn’t even cover it.”
But while the impact of the algorithm can not be understated, some are taking aim at Education Secretary, Gavin “fired for leaking official secrets” Williamson.
“That’s not fair,” the source defended Mr Williamson, “all he does there is sit behind a fancy desk struggling to think an original thought. This is why Dom does all the thinking for him. You can’t blame Gavin. He has our full support. He does exactly as we tell him.”
And what exactly is the magic formula in the algorithm?
“Oh, it’s a traditional British system. It grades students on their accident of birth. Which is exactly the way Mr Cummings’ administration aims to keep it.”