SACRE BLOWER : TORY MP SIR EDWARD LEIGH IS REPORTEDLY in numerous places after he spontaneously combusted.
The incident, which emergency services are describing as “Not terrorist related. Gammon related” happened as French President Emmanuel Macron offered to assist the UK with its increasingly appalling human rights record.
Speaking in front of a map of England in 1453 Mr Macron said he felt that governance in England had deteriorated significantly since the end of the dual monarchy at the conclusion of the 100 Years War.
“We would be willing to resume governance of England for a limited period,” Mr Macron offered in a personal letter to Sir Edward, “in order to rectify the appalling human rights record of your Home Office. We would take back control, if you like.”
It seems even though the letter was written in English, and not medieval court French, Sir Leigh immediately went from his standard colour of bright red to volcanic ember, before exploding.
It’s not clear if the UK government will take up the offer, although the UN has suggested it would be willing to oversee the taking back of control and ensure that once the UK electoral system was also reformed, and dark money removed from the Mother of Parliaments, then full UK control would be resumed.
The condition of Mr Leigh is not thought to be life threatening.
“This is due to the inordinately high degree of salt in his system,” a Doctor, overseeing his reconstruction advised, “which means he basically is preserved for the foreseeable future, regardless of how he is stored.”