WE DON’T NEED NO EDUCATION: A level results look like being a lottery, thanks to the intervention of Gavin Williamson. The fireplace selling, tarantula fancying, excuse for an Education Secretary has, at a stroke, rendered all the work that has gone into awarding reasonable grades null and void.
An entire cohort of dedicated A level teachers has spent much of lockdown debating, assessing, projecting, and moderating expected grades. As experienced experts in education, they know their students and the likely progress they would have made. Their decisions are the best and most reliable indicators of what should have been. But then, who needs experts?
After all, there is no point in getting good grades. In Brexit Britain, the only qualifications needed in future will be those obtainable from the University of Life.
Fortunately, gaining these qualifications is not difficult. Bright eyed youngsters will have to extinguish that eager fire with a compulsory reading list. This means reading the Daily Mail and the Daily Express, from cover to cover, daily. Extra credits will be awarded by attending seminars in any available Wetherspoons pub, by which we mean getting hammered on cheap beer and regurgitating the reading list verbatim.
Those entering the second year of Further Miseducation will have to study the complete works of Nigel Farage and Darren Grimes. Seminars will be more challenging, and involve the consumption of shots.
Final year modules include Venting One’s Spleen On Twitter, Designing Posters With Racist Undertones, and Picking A Fight With A Complete Stranger. A successful seminar in this year includes getting schooled by someone prepared to construct a simple argument. The most successful students will conclude their seminars by dashing to the toilet and tweeting about how unfair everything is, like the great big snowflake they pretend not to be.
Graduation will occur the moment a bright young thing walks into the pub and you say, “Can you believe it? I used to be like that arsehole!”
Meanwhile the posh kids brought up to be heartless sociopaths will continue to run the country.