THEY JUST HAVEN’T THOUGHT THIS THROUGH: It’s been widely reported that the UK pharmaceutical industry has been ordered by government to multi-task ahead of the end of the Brexit transition. We decided to investigate why, because the fake news won’t tell you.
“It’s because there’s a global pandemic on,” a source at Downing Street told LCD Views (during a completely fictional interview for this fabricated article), “not many people know this, but the world has caught a bad cold. We weren’t sure the UK pharmaceutical sector would have their eye on the rebirth of the UK as Global Britain, while desperately managing global supply lines in the middle of the plague.”
It’s a good thing you’ve got your eye on the ball.
“Of course, most of them just sighed and hung up. A few told us, look, we’re busy packing our bags ahead of the end of the Brexit transition, do you mind? Sort yourselves out. We consider the consultation to have been a success. No one has to worry about dying for Brexit. All sacrifices will be the fault of the EU.”
It’s good to know where we stand.
“And we’ve thought about the needs of ministers, once we rebirth as Global Britain. To this end we’ve stockpiled the entirety of this year’s Domaine de la Romanee-Conti Romanee-Conti Grand Cru 1972 for the cellars at Chequers. This will ensure the prime minister does not run out of arts and crafts supplies for the first six weeks of 2020. Long enough for the EU to realise who they’re dealing with and play ball.”
But what about Michael Gove?
“Oh, he’s in charge of it. He’s ordered the UK’s cocaine suppliers to stockpile six weeks of drugs too. He tried stockpiling personally, but it was a total fail. Although, by all reports, one hell of a night.”
Brexit – we’ve got our best people working on it. Well, they’re talking about it A LOT, at any rate.