HIT FOR SIX: Peerages are usually reserved for time served. Downing Street intended to honour Chris Grayling, for his unparalleled record of failure. However, an unforeseen rebellion by the Committee saw the peerage awarded instead to former England cricket captain Ian Botham.
Lord Beefy of Brexit, as he will henceforward be known, was delighted. The only real justification he has is his support for Brexit. It is as if a rained-off day of Test cricket in Manchester had been replaced by replays of Botham’s heroics in the Headingley Ashes victory of 1981.
Botham, an excellent, talismanic player but rubbish captain, gave his expert analysis of the situation. “England is an island,” he said, sagely. “And it should stay like that!”
Grayling, meanwhile, was left to contemplate what might have been. “They told me the peerage was a done deal,” he moped. “I was the preferred candidate, all I needed to do was to show up at the right time, which I did, although two hours late as I misunderstood the instructions. And so they give it to someone successful! Kicked upstairs doesn’t mean what it used to mean!”
Other former stars are also fuming at the lack of honours. “It’s completely and utterly out of OOOOOORRRRDDDEEERRRRR!” bellowed one time Speaker of the House of Commons, John Bercow. “If tradition and cronyism counted for anything, then my peerage should have been in the post a year ago. I can’t believe they tried to give it to that nitwit Grayling!”
Other sporting heroes have also been disgruntled about the honour. “I’m Brexity too,” whinged his close contemporary Peter Shilton, the highly capped England goalkeeper. “I could be a Lord too. It hasn’t be any harder than keeping goal for Leicester City!”
He has a point.
It is strange that when sportsmen criticise Brexit that they are told to “stick to football”, or whichever sport they once played. Whereas Botham is ennobled.
Who knows why? I’m completely stumped.